We’re all going to die anyway, let it happen naturally
The night has been a shocker. After the gasps around the exit polls that lasted for some time – and we can’t face the phrase ‘exit poll’ ANYMORE – this morning the nation awoke to what very few, including the Conservatives, expected. A narrow Tory majority forms government amid huge losses for Labour and the Liberal Democrats. UKIP did not get the glorious results it expected either. So much for hung parliament and weeks to months of colourful coalition speculation.
Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and beer-swilling Nigel Farage have all announced their resignation from leadership of their respective parties. Yet, as shocking as the simultaneous triple leadership resignations of three lead parties is, after a night like the one we’ve just witnessed, it’s not entirely surprising.
Meanwhile the nation scratches its head over the poor forecasts and predictions that have governed much of the voting yesterday. Whether you are wallowing in misery as you try to fathom what happened to the electorate (we commiserate), or celebrating at the surprise win of your blue brethren (we’ll deal with you later), here are seven things we can be happy about:
1. Mhairi Black
The name on everyone’s lips this morning, Mhairi Black of Scottish National Party (SNP) has become the most celebrated winner of election night. The 20 years young Politics student from Glasgow University defeated Labour’s campaign organiser, Douglas Alexander (yes, you read that right), to sweep to victory at her constituency of Paisely and Renfrewshire South in Scotland. Black is the youngest MP since 1667 and, if you do the maths, that’s a pretty darn long time. And, by the way, her finals are next month.
The odds were stacked against Black as she battled against one of Labour’s best known politicians in Scotland who held an over 16,000 majority. But she did it, with 23,548 votes against Alexander’s 17,864. Although commiserations abound for the veteran Alexander, we must congratulate Black on her incredible win as she becomes Britain’s youngest Minister of Parliament for over 350 years and an inspiration for young people nationwide. Oh, and good luck with the dissertation!
2. SNP in Scotland
Scotland remains the source of good news. Consistently the only sensible voice in a chain of leadership debates, Nicola Sturgeon has proven her political mettle at the ballot. The SNP have swept to power in Labour’s heartland, wiping the reds across much of the country including from Glasgow itself. Even Sturgeon initially could not quite believe the impressive predictions of the exit polls, encouraging caution on her Twitter. As results came in, however, the SNP leader did not conceal her well-earned cheer. As Alex Salmond told the press, “there is a lion roaring in Scotland tonight”.
3. Lib Dems got their comeuppance
The broken promises of the Liberals did not go unpunished as Nick Clegg’s party earned a humiliatingly paltry eight seats. The Liberal Democrats leader has since announced his inevitable resignation as party chief and we await to see who takes his place. No doubt the Lib Dems’ backtracking on tuition fee promises while in coalition did them no favours, as it of course shouldn’t. Although we will not deny the one good thing that came of it: this epic Apology Song. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…
4. Politics is not all about celebrity culture
For a moment we were despairing at The Platform HQ when #Milifandom kicked off. “Not in politics too!” we thought. “Spare national politics from being determined by mindless celebrity culture!”
Yet even as Ed Miliband conceded epic defeat this morning and announced his resignation to boot, and we won’t deny there were one or two misty eyes at The Platform’s Politics desk, Miliband’s loss reflects that celebrity culture does not a prime minister make. While many a young ‘un cheered on #Milifandom, Miliband’s defeat alongside the win of fresh-faced Mhairi Black has our fogey hearts at TP HQ feeling reassured that our fellow young Britons retain sensible political minds.
5. Farage lost South Thanet and is on his way out from UKIP leadership
There are those who take this piece of news with a little scepticism, which we do understand. Even as UKIP has not made the expected gains, it has nonetheless proven itself a formidable contender, coming second and third in a number of constituencies. Twelve per cent of the electorate voting for them is nothing to sneeze at, and we need to keep an eye on that point.
But in the desert of despair that we have woken up to, it is nonetheless a comforting fact that the guffawing, gaffe-ing, genial xenophobic-uncle-next-door has not only failed to secure the South Thanet seat he so coveted, but has announced his resignation from UKIP leadership. We hope the door doesn’t hit him on the way out.
6. Boris Johnson still looks like a fool
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7. Scotland is only next door
Although Scotland’s days in the union are potentially very numbered now following the SNP’s successes, we aren’t so sure. The major influx of English refugees with affected Scottish accents we are predicting may indeed give them pause for thought. That – or they may just go ahead with it and build the highland equivalent of the Berlin Wall.
But while they remain in the union, remember: they’re only a short drive or flight away! Moving north has never looked more appealing, as the Loch Ness monster sings out to us with melodious roars. Scotland is now largely a lovely shade of yellow, with a parliament composed of those who have consistently remained sensible throughout the drama of the past few months. Nicola Sturgeon’s constituency may face a little overcrowding, but like a large party, the more the merrier.
Last one to leave England, hit the lights.
Image from: http://chrisspivey.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/boris-johnson-010.jpg